29 January 2007

What I've learned watching Hollywood movies...

What can we learn from Hollywood movies?

- There is always a pilot, or a doctor, or an armed off-duty police officer on board of a plane.
- Aliens usually speak English and have the same colloquialisms.
- Anyone who says he can’t speak English well will speak it fluently, only with a thick accent.
- Deadly reptiles will always attack a woman first, even if she’s in the presence of thirty men.
- Asteroids travel through space making a noise like a powerful but subdued engine. Explosions in space make noise.
- A cough is a symptom of terminal illness.
- Movie characters driving in the city will get to park wherever they like when they get to their destination.
- Film cars never start the first time when you’re running away from the bad guy.
- There’s always an open window downstairs when a storm begins. Storms only happen in the middle of the night.
- A dying person’s last words will always be coherent and significant.
- In any type of sport movie, a player on the field can look up into a crowd of 1 billion and immediately spot their loved one.
- The hero always manages to defuse the bomb 3 seconds before it goes off.
- Movie characters’ suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry them.
- When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn’t, a friend will finish the villain off.
- You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- If hero or villain takes an elevator, villain or hero can beat it by taking stairs, even if the trip is 20 floors.
- If a character uses martial arts rather than a weapon, his opponents will always face him one-to-one. Spare bad guys may dance around the fight taunting our hero, but none will engage until his predecessor has been disposed of. And if it’s an oriental martial arts film, they will fight in perfect one-two rhythm and form, hit-block-hit-block.
- The hero’s best friend/partner will usually be killed by the bad guys three days before retirement. If the hero is a white male and has an assistant/sidekick who is either not white or not male the assistant/sidekick will die, preferably in an act of heroic sacrifice.
- Any apartment in Paris will have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
- In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you must always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser can roll down them and die at the bottom.
- Many musical instruments –especially wind instruments and accordions- can be played without moving the fingers.
- The police will never question the hero, even if he kills lots of bad guys.
- When someone lights a match in a dark old house, the single match has the power of a 1000 watt bulb! If they light an old oil lamp, it will also have a vast amount of power.
- Thunder and lightning always happen at the same time.
- If there are two women involved in the movie and one is blond, the other brunette, the blond will be the sexy bombshell who accidently ends up with the guy and the brunette will either end up being the villian or the loser, even though she has the brains of a Rhodes Scholar! (Thanks, Linda!)

Read also:
What you learn watching "300"

5 comments:

Linda Rhinehart Neas said...

Very good! And, so funny! Isn't it amazing how Hollywood can make everything look to "normal?"

You could add:

If there are two women involved in the movie and one is blond, the other brunette, the blond will be the sexy bombshell who accidently ends up with the guy and the brunette will either end up being the villian or the loser, even though she has the brains of a Rhodes Scholar!


Thanks for the great blog! Linda

Mônica said...

So true, Linda! LOL!

Berta said...

Hilarious, Monica. Had fun reading this post. ;-)

Vicky Saumell said...

Great piece! I'll come back to it with my students!

Prof. Nelba Quintana said...

Dear Mônica: I cannot agree more on this American "reality" How original they are, and how innocent we are when we accept all these sterotypes.